In today's social environment there is much talk about red flags in relationships. This topic is discussed in talk shows, group chats, and basically everywhere on social media. Oh and let's not talk about the countless memes that are created about red flags. In case you didn't know what they were or need a reminder on red flags they are listed below. To sum up what they are to me they are STOP signs that you see while dating or in a relationship yet we humans tend to ignore. We have our eyes opened and see these obvious signs, cues, and clues yet are blinded when it's time to address them. For some reason some of us don't walk away or think the color isn't red it's magenta, or purple, or orange. Nope the sign is RED! Funny how we can see the STOP sign when driving or walking and immediately know what to do. We have been taught if you see a RED STOP SIGN that means to do just that. It doesn't mean to keep driving, walking, or slow down. So why is it in relationships we don't STOP when we the sign? I wondered why do we keep walking when we should STOP?
Listed below are a few STOP signs when dating or in relationships:
Love bombing
Controlling/ jealous behavior/combative
Verbal abuse/Frequent put downs/talks negatively
Lying
Unwillingness to compromise
Doesn't face difficult situations/discussions
The way they express their anger doesn't make you feel safe
Rude to people in the service industry/lack of respect
Gaslight/takers/manipulation
They're at a very different stage of life than you/not creating any value in your life
Now by all means after doing research these are just a few STOP signs there are plenty more. STOP signs or RED flags are real and should not be ignored. It is ok to walk away at as soon as you see them. Why waste time and energy when you know they are there? STOP means just that STOP! Don't keep going with the relationship. Now keep reading tho lol. Let's talk about GREEN lights. ANNNDDD GO
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Green lights
From STOP signs to GREEN lights in relationships and dating. What does that look like? Most importantly one has not only seen the STOP sign, but has acknowledged it and has left that person. They are now free to move into a healthy relationship. The bigger question is: The light is GREEN now what do I do? Oftentimes we enter GREEN healthy relationships and have the STOP signs from the previous relationship in our subconscious. Let's think about it. Do we know what a GREEN healthy relationship is? Surely it has to be the opposite of the above mentioned signs. Let's take a look at GREEN signals when dating:
They are clear how they feel about you. You shouldn’t have to ask yourself if your partner truly likes you.
They show respect to everyone.. not just friends and family. Pay attention to how kind your partner is to others. If you’re running errands on a time crunch and run into a slower cashier, do they exhibit patience and grace? It speaks volumes about a person when they are able to be kind to everyone around them, not just those regularly involved in their life.
They make you a priority (time) If someone truly cares about you and wants to be with you, they’ll show it. Consider how your partner manages their time, and if they make it a point to schedule you in.
They validate your feelings. Especially during a disagreement, your partner shouldn’t disregard or invalidate how you’re feeling. It’s a green flag if they’re able to hear your perspective during a conflict and honor your experience, even if they may disagree or see things differently.
They can process their own emotions. When your partner is going through a tough time — whether on their own or with you involved — how do they manage those emotions? Do they bottle them up and repress their feelings, do they express them, or do they take them out on others?
They're attentive to your needs. There is something known as the“Platinum Rule” — they should meet the needs you actually have, rather than those they think you should have.
In a healthy partnership, you shouldn’t have to beg your partner to give you what you need. For example, if your partner knows you need a certain amount of quality time with them each week, they should consider that in their plans and make an effort to honor that. Or, if you cohabitate and you need them to pitch in on certain chores, it shouldn’t be a struggle.
7. They talk about the future with you. If your partner is happy to talk about your future together, that’s a good sign that they’re committed to you for the long haul. It’s always a good idea to have those conversations from time to time, especially to make sure you’re both on the same page about what you want in the future.
8.They respect your boundaries. Boundaries, while sometimes hard to set and stick to, are a huge tool in managing our relationships. This a great sign if your partner respects when you say “no”, even if it’s something that they really want. This sets the tone for how much they respect you as an individual, and whether or not they might have your back in your boundary-setting with others.
9.They are your biggest cheerleader. Does your partner match your stoked energy when you receive an award at work? Do they brag to all their friends and family when you crush a goal you set for yourself? As your teammate in life, your partner should also be there to cheer you on every step of the way. They should celebrate your successes as if they were their own because they’re that proud of you.
10. You are sexually compatible. While this may not apply to all couples as everyone shares intimacy differently, if you and your partner are sexually involved, sexual compatibility is something to consider.
As Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach, previously told Bustle, "It’s important in that you should be compatible sexually. If you aren’t, this issue will grow over time and often becomes a deal-breaker for couples considering commitment. However, it should not be the most important thing or the only important thing — and too often it is."
These are just a few GREEN lights in relationships. The most important thing is to acknowledge the RED STOP SIGNS and leave. Don't waste time and energy thinking the person will change. Once you leave and meet someone who shows you GREEN LIGHTS learn to appreciate it and match that energy. Healthy relationships do exists.
STOP when you see RED
GO when you see GREEN
Invest in your sexual health and have GOODE sex
TwilaBGoode
Bustle-2021